KH08

It is really hard for me to describe what has happened to me in the past month... I feel like I have let go of every possible piece of the past, and moved to a higher level in my life. I no longer find myself reminiscing on past memories, and I realize how hooked I was on a piece of shit.

Now it is the time to start a new passage.

I recently came down to Grants Pass to hang out with a few friends, and their families. Also to visit one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life.

The day I got here, he and I walked to the store and he showed me a sign on the side of the hill. I was confused at first as to why he was showing me a sign that little towns usually have to show off the towns name to everyone... just so they won't forget where they are. But instead of Grants Pass' initials, there were mine, and the year. I was confused, and a little in shock. My wonderful man climbed a mountain for me to show the whole town I was coming.
Who does that?!

Seriously though, it has been a perfect trip... other than being stranded here right now without a ride home. I have learned more about myself, and of the ones I love around me. I am so happy.

i wish you knew

familiar routes

lately, i have been realizing how many times a day i pass by a certain spot. how i tend to stop and notice the same things as if they were new. how when i drive, i am on auto-pilot and barely think about my driving, but let my body do it instead. how whenever i want to walk a different rout for once, i tend to take the familiar streets rather than taking a chance at something new. my body feels like an empty shell, parted from my soul. i wonder if it will ever change. or if i will just keep going on like this. i am disconnected. 

hopefull

It is a sad sad thing that we are unable to see people as just people. I fell witness to one of the saddest things today. This morning I came into work with Kate, and everything was going smoothly, until this women and this man came in the front door, the man still smoking his cigarette, and had some liquid covering his right side. There was a whole bunch of commotion and evidently the man had called this women a dyke, and a cunt. So, she in turn, spilled his coffee on him. I don't blame her. This guy evidently belongs to the methadone clinic down the street, and technically wasn't even supposed to be over here. The women was a little shaken from the racial remarks, but calmed down and drank some coffee, and decided to go for a walk. On her way back from her walk, she got attacked and beaten up by some of the guys friends from the methadone clinic. She was called a faggot, a dyke, and cunt repeatedly, punched twice in the face, hit to the ground, and banged up her leg pretty good, all the while holding the leash to her dog. No one saw. She came back into the shop, shaken, upset, and injured. She said "I should be used to this by now..." No one should be used to hate crimes in any way. It doesn't matter if you are gay, or bi, or straight, or anything, a persons sexual orientation is just that, theirs. I am very disappointed at the world. This is 2008. There is a black man and a women running for president, and yet, there are still hate crimes happening all over the place. 

sorry

i am sorry for leaving things the way i did. existence has taken over me, and once again it is a search for what is. i look down a side street on my way home and see no car cars coming... i don't know how to put this feeling into words. how is it that we are what we are. i'm scared of the concept of change. i am sorry. 

Simplicity mocks me

I come to this place, this place that we use for "learning" and all I can do is hope for the best. But thoughts of others, and experiences cloud my thoughts, every atom in the air suffocates whatever brainpower I withhold. What is this all for, a better living? My body rejects knowledge, while all my mind wants is to suck it up. I aim to please, as much as possible, but that only gets you so far. 

60

Before I knew it, I had excelerated to 60 and the freeway became nothing but a blur to me. The sweet melodies filled my ears, and I had closed the windows just in time for the downpour of rain and semi-trucks gliding by. The tire marks of cars once passed guided me to my destination, and it was then that I realized it would never be over. I was bound. I felt overwhelmed, but safe. There is a power that is limitless, I'm here. My wishes are simple, my heart, even more so. And before I knew it, I was wearing my clean pair of favorite sweatpants, I was covered in warmth, and ready for another night of dreams.